Dear William...

I had a dream last night about a few past boyfriends. I was in a pickle, standing at some kind of crossroads, having to choose which one I wanted to date or marry or build a life with. I have no idea where Dad was. It was either before him or after him, or like he never existed at all. Just a dream (or more like a nightmare) where two old flames were suddenly back in the picture, asking me to decide.

I woke up before any final choice was made.

But it stayed with me.

It made me think about all the what ifs in a life. The small decisions that end up shaping everything. The risks we take. The ones we don’t.

What if I had ended up with someone else?
What if I had married a past love before I ever met Dad?
What would that life have looked like?

What if I had met Dad but decided not to follow him to Los Angeles when he moved only a few months after we started dating? What if I had stayed in New York, met someone else, and fallen in love there? What if I had packed a backpack, boarded a plane with a one-way ticket, and lived freely, no partner, no children, just seeing the world?

In all of those versions of my life, I wonder:
What pain would I have escaped?
Would I have avoided this particular heartbreak?
Would I be someone lighter today, someone who doesn’t know what it feels like to lose a child?

And then the truth settles in.

None of those lives include you.

If I had never met Dad and fallen in love with him and married him and built a life with him and had a baby, you, then I would have missed the most powerful love I have ever known. I would have missed the moment you were placed on my chest. The nine incredible years I got to be your mother, the most important role I have ever had.

Yes, maybe I would have been spared this tragedy. Maybe I would still be that blissful mom who has no idea how deep grief can go.

But I also would never have known you.

And that, to me, is the worst nightmare.

To wish away this pain would mean wishing away you. And I will never do that. Your life, even though it was far too short, changed me forever. It gave me a depth of love I didn’t know was possible. It still shapes who I am and how I move through this world.

So yes, my choices led me here, to being a bereaved mom.

And I wouldn’t change them.

Because every road that avoids this pain also avoids being your mom.

And I would choose being your mom, every time.

Love,

mom