Dear William...

My friend sent her son on a trip with his soccer team this week. To Holland. She put him on a bus with his whole team and waved goodbye, knowing they would soon board a plane and spend a whole week across the ocean in Europe.

And all I could think was: does she worry that he might die?

Do regular parents think that about their kids as much as I do as a bereaved parent? Dad says no. Dad says that society - parenting - could’t work if everyone was always worried that their kids would die. No one would do anything. We would all live inside bubbles and never experience anything.

And I get that. I felt that way before you died. To be truthful, I rarely, if ever, thought about your death once you were born. We lived a fairly safe life and never did anything too outrageous like skydive or bungee jump or swim with crocodiles.

And with skiing, we made sure you were overly safe. You started lessons when you were three. You had just mastered running, it seemed, and we put you on the tiniest little skis. We bought you the best equipment. We skied next to you, in front of you, behind you. Always. You never raced down the mountain like some of your friends. You took your time, you were so methodical with each turn you took.

And you still died.

I remember the first trip we took after you died. Daddy, Kai and I decided to visit friends in Miami. It was April vacation, and we just needed to get away from everything at home. I made a dark and terrible joke to your aunt that we may not all come home. Because on the last trip, you didn't come home with us. So I figured of course it could happen again.

And that feeling remains with me still. That feeling - no -that knowing that we are not in control of all the things we think we are. That just because we think everything will be fine, it sometimes isn’t fine.

So I can’t help but wonder about my friend who sent her son to Holland. How much does she worry about him coming home? I envy her if that thought hasn’t kept her up at night. Because it keeps me up at night. I don’t want to think the worst for my kids, for all the kids, but it’s there. It’s real for me. It’s happened to me. To you.

It will take work, everyday, to support your brothers in all the adventures they want to go one. Because I want adventures for them. They deserve the fullest life available to them. I want the fullest life for them, especially because yours was way too short. So how do I get there? How do I balance my fear of losing another son with the desire to live life to the fullest?

Let me know.

Love you so much,

Mom