Dear William...

Hi Bud-

Your brother Kai went off to camp this morning. It’s his first sleep away camp. He was so excited. And all week, I have been so anxious. So terrified. So worried that something could happen. Would happen. Because something has happened before.

But this morning, as we were saying our final goodbyes for the week, something shifted. I too became excited for him. Because he gets to do this. He needs to do this, and so do I.

You can’t do these things anymore. I wish and wish I could send you off to summer camp, watch you go to high school, see you graduate college. But you never will. You’re dead.

But Kai, and your little brother Bodhi, universe willing, will get to do these things. How lucky are they, how lucky am I, that they get to. Getting on a bus to summer camp, walking through the doors of high school, setting up a college dorm. All these are signs that my kids are alive, growing, having new and amazing experiences. 

Kai is alive. He is getting older by the minute. Something you don’t get to do. And so today, this week, while he is away, I’ll focus on all the things he gets to do. Your death has taught me how lucky we are to get to.

xxx

Mom