Notes on Coming Back

1. We’re back in Montana. It’s day 2. I’m sitting in the lodge. I just dropped the boys off at ski school. Big Sky gifted us private lessons for each one. They get it.

2. Day one was good. And a lot. Of course. I knew it would be. Getting here was easy, logistically. Mentally, there were some hurdles, but we did it. Nick said to me, I don’t think many families would do what we are doing. I think he may be right.

3. We went to rent the kids skis yesterday. The young hipster checking me out asked me to sign a waiver. I asked, what‘s the waiver for. Thinking I was waving away the right for my children to survive. He said it was for any damage to the skis and boots. Of course. That makes more sense.

4. Our condo is pretty sweet. I paid too much for it. But it has a view of Lone Peak. Bodhi calls it Lone Peaky. It’s right across the street from the base of the mountain. And I wanted to be comfortable here. So I spent too much. And it’s worth it.

5. I pulled Nick into the bathroom this morning. I asked him to help the boys with their goggles this morning. I was crying. The very last moment I spent with William, I was adjusting his goggles. I didn’t want to do it this morning. He said, of course I’ll do it.

6. We met the kid’s teachers. Two nice young men. Ready for their task this week. I asked if they knew our story. Of course, they said. They had been preparing to meet us for weeks.

7. They offered Bodhi candy right away. Good move. They offered him smarties. I thought about skittles. The last snack William had, while waiting for the tram up to the top of the mountain. Fed by his friends through the nose hole in his balaclava. I pushed a smarty through Bodhi’s balaclava. He liked it. I thought about the trail Big Sky named for William, Skittles Road.

8. Kai asked to ski down Skittles Road. Of course, I said. But later in the week. When you’re ready. Deep breaths.

9. Bodhi said he wants to be on the race team, just like William. His heart is so big. He loves so big. We’ll see about the team. He just started skiing today.

10. Nick and Kai want to take some runs together after ski school. Bodhi said great. He’ll just free ski on his own. He is too funny sometimes. And it’s the best medicine for all the heaviness of being here. It’s the perfect balance.

11. We had a pig pile this morning in bed. All four of us, before the sun came up. Just like last time, the morning of William’s death. When it was the other four of us. It was so good then, and it’s so good now. I love both my families.

12. I am proud of us. Of course I am.